People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.