I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

For comedians, we're all kind of tweeting our thoughts instead of spending time developing them. You can gauge how good a joke might be by how many times it gets retweeted, but it takes discipline to go back through the tweets and then develop jokes from them.