The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.
TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.
I love hard punch lines, and I like anything that has a strong point of view.
My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.