For comedians, we're all kind of tweeting our thoughts instead of spending time developing them. You can gauge how good a joke might be by how many times it gets retweeted, but it takes discipline to go back through the tweets and then develop jokes from them.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes.

In general, comedians are attracted to vice.