Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

I'm not 'one of the guys.' I don't want to pretend to be one on stage. I'm not going to dress like a guy or carry myself like one.

My dream part would be to play Mitt Romney's sarcastic black maid. We could call it 'Mammy & Me.'

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.