There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin.

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.'

But all ladies think they weigh too much.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.