Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else.

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.

But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father.

I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face.

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.