I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Winter is the king of showmen, Turning tree stumps into snowmen And houses into birthday cakes And spreading sugar over lakes. Smooth and clean and frosty white, The world looks good enough to bite. That’s the season to be young, Catching snowflakes on your tongue. Snow is snowy when it’s snowing, I’m sorry it’s slushy when it’s going.

There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.'

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.