A conductor should reconcile himself to the realization that regardless of his approach or temperament the eventual result is the same-the orchestra will hate him.

I'm a concert pianist, that's a pretentious way of saying I'm unemployed at the moment.

George, if you had to do it all over, would you fall in love with yourself again?

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played at Carnegie Hall.

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.