Talent's like a baby. Wrap it up in wool and it goes to sleep.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

When I appeared before the draft board examiner during World War II, he asked me if I thought I could kill. "I don't know about strangers," I replied, "but friends, certainly."

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

It'd be nice to please everyone but I thought it would be more interesting to have a point of view.

So little time and so little to do.