The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

I'm a concert pianist, that's a pretentious way of saying I'm unemployed at the moment.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played at Carnegie Hall.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Talent's like a baby. Wrap it up in wool and it goes to sleep.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)