A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

A conductor should reconcile himself to the realization that regardless of his approach or temperament the eventual result is the same-the orchestra will hate him.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.

Self-pity - it's the only pity that counts.

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.