An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played at Carnegie Hall.

I'm controversial. My friends either dislike me or hate me

It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

Ballet is the fairies' baseball.

I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.