I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

[Madame Nhu was] the Sandra Dee of South Vietnam. If I were cast on a desert island with her, I would quickly make friends with the natives.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

My psychiatrist once said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'.