Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

I'm controversial. My friends either dislike me or hate me

When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

I'm a concert pianist, that's a pretentious way of saying I'm unemployed at the moment.

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.