Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.

Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.