Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.