The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.