It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.