The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.