The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.