Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!