Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.