We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.