You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.