You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.