You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.