I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.