I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.