Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!