I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.