I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.