I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.