Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.