When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.