When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.