If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.