They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.