Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.