The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.