A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.