This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis DillerMy mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis DillerChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis DillerWhen you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller