When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.