Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.