I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!