I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.