Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.