When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.