When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.