When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.