When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.