Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.