By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.