Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.