Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.