Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.