Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.