... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.