... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.