Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.