Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.