I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.