I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.