I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'