I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.