I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .