I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.