Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.