Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

self-pity is better than none.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.