Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

All mothers are working mothers.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.