Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.